Dear Baby Boy Soul

I wrote this poem-like letter in my journal in 2011, after becoming certain I wanted my own chid someday. I had never been pregnant and was starting to feel concerned. Fortunately, in 2012 I got pregnant and began a journal to the life inside my womb. Six years later, I still keep a journal of letters for my daughter. It's deeply rewarding. After I leave this body, my daughter can read her mother's thoughts and stories -- all in my own, real hand writing.  

Dear Baby Boy Soul,

Are you calling to me? 
I dreamt of you last night. 

Someone in India had asked me to care for you while traveling. 
​For two weeks, you'd be mine to watch and care for. 

And in that dreamscape where all lines cross
and one reality becomes another
you felt like 
my little boy.

Then one day our group of travelers
went to the mall. I had dressed in a full silk sari
fuchsia, magenta, pumpkin colored
wide skirt flowing at my ankles.

A tall American girl I had befriended
walked beside me and somehow
she was holding you now. She said,
"I'm going to hold him for the next few hours."

My heart fell deep into pain. 
I had loved holding you.
It was heaven and I'd waited all day 
to be with you again
your soft brown hair and chubby thighs
felt like my hands were designed to hold them
as you sat on my hip.

"No you're not," I said to the tall girl. 
"I've been wanting to hold him all day and he's
my responsibility. I'm watching him."

She said, "Well, too bad because I'm holding him."

I stood there shocked, jaw dropped down toward
layers of pink and orange
floral print silk.

Fighting energy does not belong
near babies.
I would not grab you from her arms
She would give you back later
but the grief... 

Baby boy soul
are you real?
Like in Velveteen Rabbit...
are you real because I love you?

Will you pass through my body someday
bewildering my being
with the sheer miracle of yours? 

I would die with love for you every day. 

Am I going to have you?
And if not, why do you keep
showing up in my dreams?

Mama