What 42 Looks Like That 22 Didn't

On the morning of my 42nd birthday, I don't mean to ask what 42 looks like, as in, do I have more wrinkles now than I did when I was 22? (Yes.) Or am I more or less physically fit, or do I look "better" now than I did back then. None of this is of interest to me. And this is exactly why I love, love, love being 42 and would not trade it for a second, to go back to who I was two decades ago.

What I mean to ask is How does my life look now? How does it look inside the landscape of my heart? It is a kind of question often asked in coaching conversations. What would your life look like... if you had what you really wanted?... if you were living your dreams?

At 22 I was still trying to gain the attention of men and prove I was right about certain things rather than just accepting how I felt, and saw the world, and extending the same to others. At 22 I was still afraid of conflict, having been part of a Conflict Avoidance family pattern for my entire upbringing. At 22 I was still spending time with people whose being didn’t glow with the same fire and power I longed for in my own soul.

Life at 42 looks like fire, earth, water and a succulent dose of blood all mixed up into a stupendous stew of personal power that 22 had no idea was coming.

At 42...

• I listen to my feelings and honor them (99% of the time, aiming for 100), no matter whether I understand why I am feeling the way I’m feeling.
• I praise the power of emotion, understanding that it comprises the large majority of how humans operate and thrive, and that the capacity to feel is the great Superpower inherent in the human species.
• I step up to lead immediately, thinking with my heart — the hub of all sacred places — when I notice someone could use help, attention, kindness, curiosity, or some other form of love.
• I know this is not personal. That when I step up to lead, to help, it is because love moves through me and is what I am made of. It really has nothing to do with “me.”
• I voraciously honor my instincts in parenting, like a tiger protecting her cubs. Even, and perhaps especially, when my instincts are unpopular, such as with screen time, self-directed education, vaccinations, materials used in toys, consuming appropriate amounts of sugar, or words I use that express how I see my child as my equal and not as the one who “needs to learn how the world works.”
• I stand for a world of Love, needing no permission from men or from other women, or from any government or religious or media entity.
• I speak up when a feeling is strong inside of me, and forgive myself — and own up to the impact of my words and actions — when my impact is received as unloving.
• I see conflict as an exciting invitation and opportunity, and I do not avoid it. Why? 1) We are ALL, always, learning to be better communicators, and I do not expect myself to be “good” at it all the time . 2) On the other side of conflict I am always a better communicator, and that makes all of my relationships more gratifying, fulfilling, and rich. And 3) Love adds light to every situation it touches, and I am a willing channel for Love. So let there be light!
• I place self care atop my priority list. Not knowing where the money will come from to pay for all the out-of-pocket medical expenses required to gather true, rich wisdom, such as from Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine wisdom cultures — for the migraines that I have experienced in this last year of my life -- I know the money will come from somewhere and that self care is a must if I am to continue serving life in the way I do.
• I acknowledge myself every day for the way I show up in this world, without shame. It is not from conceit or vanity. It is because without filling my own well, I cannot give to the world as fully as I am meant to give. And I also cannot expect the world to acknowledge me for what I am unwilling to honor and see in myself.
• I revel in my values and choices, caring little about what other people think about what I say, how I look or feel, what I do for work or art, or any other aspect of how I show up in the world... Recognizing for certain that although we are all One in Spirit, there is only one me in this human form and I like me just the way I am.  
• I take nothing personally. Nothing anybody does or says is about me — however positive or negative. It is about them. Similarly, when I offer thoughts to someone else, I invite them to see with neutral eyes, and to take what I’m dishing out only if it resonates with their own knowing, or otherwise, toss it aside. (Don Miguel Ruiz, I got the memo, Yo.)
• I openly use the word God even though I’m not religious. This word does not belong to anybody. To see the divine in each person, the light streaming from every single soul — despite poor behavior, or things my ego might judge — makes it impossible for me to deny that God is in all of us. The human spirit is a chorus in the very song of God, and this I know. No preacher, or priest or any-such-anyone has any say in my own knowing. God is within us, and God is Love.
• And finally… at 42, I celebrate the silver strand of hair that’s housed itself on my head, and the wrinkles at the sides of my eyes, and the cellulite that’s graced my thighs, and the migraines that chose me as their dance partner. Because these “flaws” or “problems” are nothing more, and nothing less, than an opportunity to forgive myself for some of the choices I’ve made, and to love myself just the way I am. They are signs of four decades well lived — full of courage, passion, experience, and recovering to grace every time I have fallen.

And just as two 5-year-olds will feel and express a lot of variety in their ways, two 42-year-olds will too. This is how life is for me at 42. Being “over the hill” might look completely different for others at my age.

This piece of writing intends to encourage some of the 22- and 16- and 14- and 32-year-olds who I know and love, to relieve their own suffering and fear of aging. You didn’t make up that “rule” — the Youth Is Better Rule — but chances are, you’ve bought into it. Good thing, you don’t have to “buy” yourself out. You’ve just got to be your own best friend, live your truth like your joy depends on it — because it does — and accept that nothing of real and lasting value comes from “outside” of you.