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After my divorce in 2006, I was angry. I felt devastated by the shocking situation we were in. After all, I didn't get married to get divorced. I got married to stay with my partner, enjoy life together and work through the hard stuff. But if there's one lesson we all must learn, it's that we are not in control. Even when we do our very best, actively stepping up to do the big work involved in intimate partnership, there is always a question mark right by our side. The unknown, staring at us in the face. We just do not know. We do not know the outcome and we certainly cannot control it. What we can control is our state of mind. No one has power over us with that. And the good news is -- Pain is a gift in disguise.  photo: francescapreston.com Back then, the pain I felt was understandable. I had a story. From my perspective, there were actions taken by others, especially my ex-husband's family, that left my heart hurting. Didn't they want to come together and talk about it, not necessarily to see things the same way but simply to listen to each other and compassionately interact? Wouldn't it ultimately feel better for us to connect and recognize that we are all in the human experience, which is inherently messy, and we are far more lovable than we are not? Eventually, my ex-husband and I reconnected on the phone. I called him a year or so after the divorce was finalized and told him I appreciated the time we shared together, and I did not have any bad feelings about him. We ended the call with me telling him, “I love you,” and to my great surprise, he said, “I love you too.” Once a year or so, I call him again and we have a short ‘n sweet conversation checking in on each other's lives. How cool is that? I remain amazed. That is not the norm. Most stories of divorce include hateful accusations, ultimately imprisoning the accuser due to their own unwillingness to accept bigger truths that are always at play. Like this one -- We are the creators of our own experience. We are each the projector of our own screenplay. Your story isn't the same as mine. It isn't meant to be. We are all, every 9 billion of us, one unique hue in the magnificent rainbow of human existence. Your traumas and wounds weave into the creation of your screenplay and mine weave into mine. The lessons we still need to learn will use other people, who are essentially projections of consciousness seeming to be in bodies, to help us learn those lessons. Yet having differences doesn't mean we can't have harmony. Many experiences have sprinkled my life with this theme — the theme of pain oppressing us or the choice for forgiveness around that pain, setting us free. What is forgiveness? The choice to accept that humans can do only one of two things — we can express Love or we can call for Love. This perception brings freedom. And we each get to choose. How generous is that?!? The choice to blame and stay in pain does the opposite. It imprisons us. And only you have the key for your freedom. Only I have the key for mine. On the morning of the recent total solar eclipse, another lightning bolt along this theme crossed my path. I heard that a woman who was one of my closest friends for almost 20 years is still in pain about the dissolution of our friendship. Neither of us anticipated a platonic “break up” annnnd there went Life, delivering surprises. Before my brain tumor diagnosis, she and another close friend intervened with me. I had been depressed and I was noticeably overweight and unhappy. Their action was brave, bold and deeply loving. I was not only grateful; I admired them for it. Still, it was an uncomfortable situation and none of us yet knew I had a massive brain tumor growing in my left prefrontal cortex. She and I each have our own stories — there is no “one right story” about how this or that happened. We were living in the intricate landscape of human emotion and interpretation, her having her childhood traumas and imprints and me having mine — wounds we have healed and wounds we have not. Neither of us is a victim. Neither of us is to blame. We are normal, messy humans doing our best in the messiness of the human experience. Even so, I find it so unfortunate that humans choose to keep ourselves in prison. When there is a call for communion, to come together in a conversation that could leave us feeling deeply relieved, that could heal wounds and make every moment of our lives after that feel brighter, it is so sad that we choose to refrain from facing the pain. Having been through five years of horrific migraines lasting up to 33 days apiece and 92 days of severe sciatica — I am intimate with physical pain. Only by moving through it can heal. One deep breath at a time, one moment of surrender after the next, our own willingness to put our ego in the backseat allows the truth of who we are to steer the ship. Love is who we are. Despite all seeming evidence to the contrary, Love is who we are. Every single one of us. Are you imprisoning yourself? Which relationship in your Life has pain in it that you’re still waiting to forgive? You can find freedom now or you can wait ‘til you’re approaching the grave. How will you choose freedom today? Ever consider working with a Love Coach? If you have a situation in your Life that's hard for you to forgive, and you could use support finding freedom on the other side of letting go,.. stop postponing your joy! Schedule a brief call with me, Jessica Rios, founder of Leaning into Light, to explore what's possible.
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Last year I joined the community of writers on Substack and I've been loving it ever since. It's easy to use and I like the community vibe. I might shift completely, moving all my blog posts to Substack once I transfer them there (9 years of writing = it'll take some time). For now, here are the latest pieces, starting with yesterday.  Celebrating Scars |
AuthorJessica Rios, Founder of Leaning into Light, was born with a divine pen in her pelvis. Her heart writes for her; Love is her 'religion'. A lifelong letter writer and a thought leader in Love, her blog is devoted to her greatest passion: illuminating the beauty of the human spirit so we all move closer to remembering that Love is Who We Are. 
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