For many people, the thought of children leading the world is a crazy one. What are we talking about here, a world with trampolines on every street corner, magic flying carpets instead of cars, and children making all the rules? No, not necessarily. Yet I do assert that the appropriate design for a world that honors life, first and foremost, is one where children lead with the biggies. Let me break this down and tell you why.
Read on for the rest of this piece, which was printed in the July/Aug issue of Holistic Parenting Magazine. xo Jessica
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I heard it was the best thing ever. The biggest love I’d ever feel. The most challenging thing I’d ever do. “It’s Spirituality 101,” one of my closest friends told me. All these things are true. Being a mom is at least as wonderful, challenging and spiritually enriching as anything I’ve experienced. I also heard it was hard work. Somehow, I don’t see it that way. Although it takes the highest degree of devotion I’ve ever shown, it just isn’t hard work. It’s natural. It’s primal. It’s constant. But it isn’t hard work. It’s literally the greatest honor of my life. What no one told me was that when I became a mom, I would go from having a considerable amount of time just for me, to giving away about 95% of it for my daughter. Dramatic difference. More dramatic than I could begin to articulate.I don't just mean changing a diaper. I don't just mean holding them when they cry, when you've already been breastfeeding and doing laundry all morning while trying to remember to brush your own teeth, and could really use a nap. And I don't mean "eating Bon Bons all day" which is exactly what I heard from an acquaintance who is a mother herself, referring to what it's like to stay home with a child. Clearly her family's nutritional preferences are different from ours, and she's never worked full-time for an extended period of time, caring for her child at home. Either that or she has, and they eat ice cream all day, and that's easy for her. Hey, maybe I'm missing something. Let's not compartmentalize this. Every mother I've ever spoken with who has been at home all day, most days, caring for her child, says it is much easier to go to work. To a job. These are moms who are comparing the work of caring for a child at home full-time, with the work of going to a job full-time. One mom took it further and said going to work is like a vacation. You get to be in your car by yourself, with no one interrupting you, no one needing you with all they've got. It's just you in the car. Sure there are mothers who've worked full time at home -- no, not stayed at home but worked at home caring for their child more than full-time, double-full time --who say their job outside the home is more difficult. Some who would really rather be home with their child than at a job. Yet what's magnetized to me, probably because of simple physics (like attracts like), are dozens of mothers who find the full-time work of caring for children tougher than a full time job. Really caring for a child -- at home, full time -- is the most undervalued work of our time.To fully take care of a child full time, the mother (or father, if/when he is the primary caretaker) must hold the ENORMOUS space of caring, as completely as possible, for the child's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. When this is your work not just during typical working hours (9-5), but from the moment they wake up and during and after dinner until they do go to sleep, and additionally while they're asleep because you're primally wired to hear their every move... it's a lot. Is it easy to become imbalanced and not take enough breaks? Yes. Do all mothers deserve far more appreciation than we receive? YES. Is it up to us to make this happen -- to make the world more reverent of women, mothers, children, and life itself? Yes. I will not endeavor to describe, in this blog post, all that full-time mothering in the home has entailed in my own mothering experience. But I will say it is HUGE, bordering on indescribable, and far beyond the cultural awareness and capacity. Its almost-indescribability is one of the reasons it's undervalued. Humans have a hard time valuing what we can't understand or measure. Can mothering be taxing? I am a case in point. Without great self care: VERY. Right now as I write, I have a migraine. It’s my 4th migraine and they’ve all happened in one year. Hormones + life pressure + interrupted sleep + less than great physical self care = OUCH. Pain in the head. Pressure speaking through my body saying, “STOP, Jessica. Stop.” And then I hear the words, in the form of a book title, because that’s how it often goes for me as a writer: A Revolution in Self Care. I’m writing this piece for women who are pregnant with their first child, new moms, other moms, and myself. Because: self care. Writing is therapy for me. And, as in the spirit of community acupuncture, and in the words of my dear friend Olivia who owns Chico Community Acupuncture, I believe in “taking healing out of isolation.” If you’re pregnant or just gave birth to new life, hear this: You are a hero. You gave your body over for another life to grow in it and from it. You did or are about to do the greatest thing a human body can do: let new life emerge from your own body. It is the most natural and wild thing we can do. We were made for this. And it is heroic, all at the same time. Dear Mamas, There will never be a moment when it isn’t the truth that you are the most important thing in your world. If you’re like me, you will feel the most indescribable primal pull to do everything and anything for your baby. And to be with them almost all the time. Follow that instinct. Surrender to ask for help in order to do it. Give nothing less than your all. (And no one else knows what your “all” is; that’s for YOU to know and honor.) Babies are the greatest miracle. Life emerging through another life. We cannot comprehend this fully with our brains; we must engage our hearts and our primal, instinctual selves to fully appreciate it. Your baby is a genius. No joke. Babies are energetic geniuses and life IS energy. So do it. Give that baby your all. In all the world, there’s no greater Return on Investment (ROI). And, in the slivers of moments when you feel like you could really use some sleep and your husband, or your best friend, or your mom or your kind neighbor, is within reach -- reach for them. Let their loving arms make a place for your precious baby while you: SLEEP. Don’t rob an opportunity from someone else who’s dear to you, to cherish the divine skin and breath of your precious child. Don’t rob them, either, of a change to care for and love you. YOU know how good it feels to care for others, right? It’s universal. If you are suffering with physical, spiritual, emotional or mental challenges, it is a disservice to everyone around you, and clearly to yourself, to wait a single second before taking action to take care of yourself. You can only give as much as you’ve got. If your tank is full, you can give to others superwoman-style. If your tank needs fuel, pump it up hot mama. Feeling underappreciated? Get over yourself and this culture’s adolescent and perverse perspective around self-care -- especially for women -- and ASK FOR IT. Ask five of your dearests, friends or family, to tell you, in an email or text or in person, what they admire about you. Have them help you fill your cup. This is Village. We are meant to take care of each other, not to starve ourselves when we need something as essential as feeling valued. Get over the “this means I’m weak and insecure” baloney. It means you’re BREATHING. You are infinitely important. Your baby is best off when you remember this. And for me? Less: screen time, and none after dark. A break from Facebook for the rest of the summer, or at least a few weeks. Less life pressure. Less responding to texts instantly. More: trust that it’s all working out. More acupuncture, massage, exercise, sleep. More time away for myself, now that my daughter is 3 years and 4 months old, and past the most foundational “bubble of innocence” phase that I so fiercely protected. Yeah, rocket science. Yet somehow, taking care of ourselves sometimes seems like the hardest thing to do. One small step at a time, mamas. We do this together. Love, Jessica {Photos L-R: treated myself to 'medicure' (manicure pedicure ;) during my last migraine (see it in the eyes?)... with Chinese herbs from acupuncturist for migraine... and freshly showered, still with migraine but starting to find a way to laugh through it, on my first 2-nights-away solo trip since my daughter was born...} P.S. If this post upset you, if you felt offended or insulted or unseen or anything like that, you're not alone. One of my dear friends who's a wonderful hard working mother wrote me a message that helped illuminate how I can write about this topic, from a more loving perspective that honors all mothers. I am grateful for my courageous friends who voice themselves when what I say upsets them. It is a gift I'd not trade for anything (and most of them so far have kept me around). ;D
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AuthorJessica Rios, Founder of Leaning into Light, was born with a divine pen in her pelvis. Her heart writes for her; Love is her 'religion'. A lifelong letter writer and a thought leader in Love, her blog is devoted to her greatest passion: illuminating the beauty of the human spirit so we all move closer to remembering that Love is Who We Are. Categories
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