So You Yelled at Your Little Buddha

For two nights I’m on a solo retreat at a nearby Airbnb. Every moment is seeping with the value of the essential act of getting “away.” Or rather, back to our centered sense of self.  

And why? When we refuel ourselves from within, everyone and everything we value benefits, including our art and our bodies, our dearest relationships. By getting away, by taking time and space to recharge ourselves, we role model self-care for our children. We show them we value us for us, not just for them. Balance returns. We know this, yet so many moms find ourselves deficient in self-care and patience.

Patience, the virtue that prevents things like...

Yelling. Yelling feels awful. So, so not what we are about. Yet it happens! Most of the parents I know come from a gentle parenting worldview, one that sees a child’s innocence and deserving-ness above all. One that addresses the call for love when behavior is unpleasant, tending to what they’re calling for rather than reacting defensively and labeling their behavior as bad or wrong. We see our children as equals, even more brilliant than we are in many ways. We love them for who they are, with gentleness and fiercely protective devotion. Yet even with all these ‘gentle’ parenting intentions, sometimes we yell. Not all of us, but many of us have yelled at least once. Then we usually feel terrible, confused and ashamed afterward.

​Huge sigh. 

These moments when we fail to show up how we want to — actually sinking to a level of communication that is worlds apart from our aspirations — call for a sizable dose of humility and pause, along with a deep exhale of accepting our humanity.

A dear friend who is a yoga teacher with a devoted practice of spiritual and physical well being and mother to three young children reached out to me today feeling desperate. How does she handle the tantrums, the cascades of emotion when one or more is tired or sick… It all so intense. She tried not to. She was calm, clear and grounded — until she was not. She yelled. Maybe not shouting super duper loud, like-super-scary yelling, but nonetheless she used a voice that was out of range for her ideals and values. And it felt awful.

On those occasions when you yell and immediately “catch” yourself — when you’ve calmed down quickly due to your heart opening up — then flop down on the floor with them and apologize. Just call yourself on the choice you made, and be with them. Say something like, “Gosh, yelling isn’t kind. That isn’t how I want to be with you. What’s another way we can work this out?” Make suggestions if needed. Ask for their ideas both to empower them and put them back in their proper place as your equal, and also to tap their wisdom for ideas and solutions.  

These days it’s rare for me to yell at my daughter, and when I do, I usually melt quickly and show her I realize that wasn’t nice. I'll say, “Oh no... That scared you. I don't want to yell at you... Mama got upset, because I felt like you weren't listening. So I yelled. But that doesn't make it OK. I’m sorry I yelled..." and we try another way. Kids are so forgiving. Wait a while before trying to talk it all through.

Three children? That’s a lot of feelings, moods and needs to tend to. Four is intense, five... One child is fantastically spacious compared to more. Frankly that's part of why I'm so content with one. 

Most of the flavor experienced in the family moments has to do with the state of mind of the parent. Self-awareness. When we need to step away, we step away. It becomes a question of how quickly we can find our center within.

Are you getting enough breaks to refill your own well? Most mamas don't. It is what mamas need to do to. We need to take our self care seriously. A lot depends on us.

One thing to remember is that talking kids out of tantrums doesn't work. It can't work because they've left the rational part of the brain. They're in a different mode. What they most need is for us to simply be present, just allow them to be where they’re at... and eventually you will see all the stormy emotion melt away.

Human beings are intense and passionate! Our children are and we are too. When we yell at our kids, it’s because we either need refueling ourselves, and/or we need improved tools and other communication skills to respond to their needs and behaviors in a more emotionally mature way.

Mother, pediatrician and parenting guru (one of my faves!) Dr. Laura Markham has a beautiful, thorough piece for those seeking more insight about how to step yelling at our kids. We’re in this together, ma's and pa's!