These days a gigantic contrast stares me down, every single day. On one hand there’s my 3.5-year-old daughter who, almost entirely unexposed to violence and other unpleasant aspects of the world, still simmers with innocence and purity. This summer when she saw a pinata being hit with a bat, she shuddered. (Whacking a creature with a bat!?) She expects utmost respect and kindness. She leads our daily gratitude ritual at dinnertime. She talks about how her heart is full of love. She sings about her two grandmothers, and how much she likes them both. Every week as I head out the door for acupuncture, she runs to me squealing, “Another kiss Mama! Another kiss!” On the other hand is the pain of the world. Several states east of us in North Dakota there’s a militarized squad of armed men in black standing on the sacred soil of Native American ancestral burial grounds, spraying tear gas at non-violent people trying to protect the water. Signing the paychecks for the squad of violent men are corporations "too big to fail" like Marathon Petroleum, Wells Fargo and Bank of America. And our own government — in this case not “by the people and for the people” — is supporting this violence. Welcome to the human experience, Mama Jess. In the words of our friend Nina in Sweden, the world is “sad and beautiful.” Yet as a mother, this is big stuff. What does this mean for my daughter? How do I help her to face all this? It’s bewildering. And there’s no escaping it, because there’s as much pain inside the human soul as there is in the world that appears to be outside of us. As her mother I must show her how to be with what shows up, not how to avoid it, deny it, pretend it’s not there. Contrast. What a teacher. So where did I turn? To women. Women. The most natural place for me to turn to. Women’s wisdom — from intuition, from instinct, from the heart — is ancient, instantly accessible and generously offered. I asked some of my dearest girlfriends to write a letter to their inner-6-year-old. Looking back, what would they tell themselves at six years old, knowing what they know now? What do they see? What wants to be said or seen or soothed? They dove in, and here’s what came through. Some used their real names, some not. Some signed it as themselves, one as Auntie. What they wrote is already helpful to me, and will continue being helpful for the sometimes-dreaded, inevitable, bubble-busting moments ahead in my mothering path. A few of them said this exercise was deeply therapeutic, healing, they really enjoyed it. My hope is that other women and mothers living on this beautiful Planet Earth might write their own letters to their inner-6-year-old girl. As we unwind the wounds of our own past, weaving in the wisdom of ourselves in our 30s and 40s and beyond, we create a brighter and more gentle future for all. the letters...Dear Six-Year-Old Shirley Marie, I look back and see how alone and afraid you were. You needed a wise, grounded, sober adult to take care of you. You needed someone to NOTICE what was happening, and essentially rescue you. A mentor. A bold and strong auntie. Your sister. You needed someone to sit down, to look into your eyes, to smile a full and sincere smile, to hold you and rub your back and say: “Your experience matters." You were given no guidance, no example. You needed safety. With all of my love, 43-year-old Shirley Dearest sweet Pamela: You are smart, intuitive and kind. This kind of intelligence requires you to stay wildly connected to your body, my sweet, so dance, play, sing… my darling. Love, Pamela, mother of four Dear Sylvie, You get one life. Live hard. Fear is a bitch. You are so loved by your friends and family. Love yourself at your worst and best. Always. I have grown up knowing there is more. Don't regret what you missed or never had. Nature never disappoints. Fresh air solves most of the noise in your head. Your biggest strength will be your ability to find good in all people . Childhood ends at one point but being spontaneous, fun, active, silly, courageous, proud, and optimistic doesn't ever have to end. You, Sylvie, are a bad ass. Love, Me at 40 Dear Dresden, Listen and trust the voice in your heart to make it through the ups and downs of life. There is a light in there that will help you see the way. There is a light in there that will remind you that you are never alone. Every ounce of you is meant to be here. Enjoy every ounce of you. Never stop playing... Love, Auntie, 33 years old Dear 6-Year-Old Irene, I want to tell you that… you are good and loved. I see that you are confused and insecure and this has caused you to suppress who you are, and I want to share something with you… Even though your life circumstances have put you into “flight" mode and caused you to feel you cannot fully trust the world around you, these circumstances that you have lived through in this life, and all others, are leading you down the path that you will walk this lifetime. If you can release the fear and doubt, you will realize that God is everywhere and is offering you guidance in every moment. You don't have to know everything, you don't have to have things figured out. You just need to build trust and depend on God. I wish for you to believe in yourself and in life and believe in the amazing possibilities that God has in store... As I've grown older I've seen how quickly things can change and how fast time goes by. This is something many people will tell you, and that you will not understand until you have reached a certain age. But please don't delay in putting everything you are on the line for what you believe in, for what you know to be true. Jump now, and you will see that you can fly! Love, Irene today Dearest little wild one, I see you. Always climbing to the top of your lemon tree, then squeezing through the hole which leads to a quiet view from your roof top. I see you in your blue Mickey Mouse tee shirt stained from a pomegranate snatched from the neighbor's tree. Adventurous, excitable you. Even though your mother loved you so deeply, you always wondered what love was meant for. It was meant for you. You deserve all the love which pours forth to you. I repeat. You are worthy. This is your journey. I'm here, as the 45 year old woman that struggles to believe... to whisper to your soul: Sweet love, you are worthy. In admiration of you, Liza Reflections on Little Jenny, from Jenny in her 30s, Mother of Two Boys Throughout my childhood people asked me what I “wanted to be when I grew up.” I always felt like there was going to be a point where I “was,” or where I had “arrived" and this distant future of “being" was going to stop be in the future. I wanted to feel important and to feel valued so I set my sights high. I wanted to go to Stanford. I wanted to run a company that made the world a better place. Then, I would be lovable and I would finally “be.” So, I did. I accomplished big things. And yet, this feeling of “being" never arrived. There was always something more to accomplish. I always thought, Strive more then you will “be," then you will “arrive.” I wish I could say I came to my senses early. But, it wasn't until I had children of my own and I looked into their eyes and hearts and I saw that they were complete as they were. They didn't need to become anything, because they already were! And, this great burden of accomplishing fell off my shoulders and I realized that I, also, was complete as I was. I didn't need to become anything. So, to the children out there. When someone asks you what you want to “be" when you grow up. How about you respond with, “I want to be me." Because THAT is enough. You will do so many things in your life. And, I hope you feel fulfilled and joyful. But, don't confuse “doing" with “being.” Ode to you, beloved ladies...I invite anyone else who wants to share wisdom, insight or other words for your inner child, to post them in the Comments section here, or email them to us. It’s an act of self love, a nod of self worth, an expression of self-care. It’s good for you. And what’s good for you is good for the world.
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In March 2013 our daughter Helena Beam was born in our Chico, California bedroom. We were very pleased with how our homebirth midwife, Dena Moes RN, showed up both during my pregnancy and our 7-hour labor. She also responded exquisitely when, two hours after our daughter was born, Dena noticed she wasn’t breathing right and called 911 without hesitation. Since then, I’ve become aware of some intense and unfortunate challenges facing Dena and other homebirth midwives. I interviewed her to learn about what’s transpired and what it may mean for homebirths – and holistic parenting – into the future. -- Jessica Rios Jessica Rios: In your profession, have you always been a "homebirth midwife?" How did you get into midwifery? Dena Moes: No, I haven’t always been. I didn’t even know what a midwife was until I was 23. I have a degree in Literature from Yale, and I was living in New York City when a friend gave me the book Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin. I read it and thought, ‘Oh my God, I am supposed to be a midwife.’ So I left the city for a week to go to a yoga ashram in upstate New York. I had been writing a lot about the midwife possibility, and on my last day at the ashram it happened to be Mother’s Day. Some moms came up from the city to do a special Mother’s Day sweat lodge, and I helped carry rocks. Some women were walking toward me huffing and puffing as they carried rocks. At one point I said to one of them, “You’re almost there!” and she turned to me and said, “Wow, you sounded just like my midwife when you said that!” It turns out she was the President of the International Cesarean Awareness Network. She turned me on to Certified Nurse Midwives and got me a gig volunteering at a big public hospital. Later I returned to North Central Bronx Hospital as a student midwife, and got to work with birthing families who were immigrants from all over the world. There are two routes to becoming a midwife. One is as a nurse midwife, and one is as a non-nurse midwife, known as a licensed or lay midwife. A Nurse Midwife is a Registered Nurse (RN) and also holds a Masters degree in Midwifery. I really enjoyed training in a hospital because I got to see a lot of situations in a very short period of time. I worked both as a Labor and Delivery Nurse and as a hospital midwife, and before that, as a student, I lived in an Amish farm house for a summer and attended 25 Amish homebirths while interning with a midwife who took care of Amish families. When my husband and I moved to Chico, the community needed another homebirth midwife. It felt like just the right time to put down roots and open the practice I had dreamed of. So I did. That was 2005. JR: How has it benefited your clients to be a RN too? DM: For my clients it’s been really valuable to have both the education and the work experience I brought to homebirth. A lot of them have been comforted not just by the fact that I’m a RN but that my degree is from Yale, an Ivy League college. By the time I started my homebirth practice, I had worked in several large Medi-Cal clinics providing gynecologic care and family planning. I had worked as a Labor and Delivery Nurse, some nights getting to assist with as many as four births in one shift. When you work in a hospital, you take care of everyone who comes through the door. Having seen complications in the hospital, I genuinely knew when things were progressing normally and when they weren’t. I feel this is an asset – the education and training of certified nurse midwives – to have a wider breadth of experience. There’s a certain clinical competency there. JR: What started happening in 2010 when your license was being threatened for revoking? DM: I’ll share some background first. When I opened my practice in 2005, I approached several OB-GYN doctors in my community who I’d heard were the most open minded or progressive, and asked if they would provide support to my homebirth practice in the form of consultations and collaborations, which is always the ideal... that midwives work in collaboration with other health care providers. That way, if there is a transport [from home to hospital], it’s smooth. I received a very negative response. No one agreed to work with me and I was told by the medical community that homebirth was not welcome here. I had a choice. Should I say “forget it” and go get a job as a gynecologist, or do what I always wanted to do? So I asked homebirth midwives all over the state, and what I found was that nobody had a collaborative doctor in their community except in the case of Los Angeles midwives working with a MD named Dr. Stuart Fishbein. I called the Board of Nursing and asked about the legal requirement for supervision of nurse midwives, which by the way is only required in six U.S. states now. The other 44 have dispensed with that requirement because it just doesn’t make sense. If midwives are required to have a supervising physician but no physicians are willing because they see us as a threat to their sense of authority, and as competition... they’re not necessarily going to jump at the opportunity to work with us! This year there’s a bill in the CA Legislature (AB 1306) trying to remove the physician supervision requirement. This law would help fix some of the brokenness around midwifery in the state of California. Basically during the years I was in practice as a homebirth midwife, the requirement was that I have a physician available to call by phone and consult with, if I had a client with a medical concern or question I couldn’t address. It was Dr. Stuart Fishbein in L.A. who agreed to do that for me. Over the years I would call him when I needed help from a MD. Meanwhile some obstetricians in my local community wrote a letter of complaint about me to the Board of Nursing, their main concern being that I wasn’t working with a local physician. A six-year investigation began at that time. I got a letter from the Board of Nursing, and this all finally ended in February 2016. Once a year during that period, I heard from them about the investigation. Really I thought the concern would be dismissed without merit. The letter complained about four women who had been transported -- all with healthy babies and good outcomes -- and two of them weren’t even my clients! I’d never even met them. It seemed capricious. I thought, ‘This is just harassment. It’s not even accurate.’ I thought for sure it would all be fine. For a couple years, I really wasn’t concerned. I actually thought the Board of Nursing would somehow be on my side and see this inaccuracy that they would see through this misunderstanding. Then in 2012 a nurse midwife friend told me, “You’ve got to get a lawyer. This is serious.” I hired a lawyer. The Board of Nursing called me to Sacramento for an interview and my lawyer was Skyped in. The woman investigator grilled me about the two actual clients. The clients in question were VBACs [vaginal birth after cesarean]. Prior to 2005, VBACs had been happening regularly in local hospitals. In 2005 when I opened my practice there was a sudden ban on VBACs in all the hospitals in my county. A group of obstetricians got together and recommended banning VBACs in any hospital without 24-hour in-house anesthesia... I won’t get into the shenanigans, but it happened. What that meant was that all the women using these hospitals, who’d already had a cesarean labor, had no choice but to birth via cesarean. VBAC wasn’t an option. Many women were forced to have unnecessary, repeat C-sections. Midwives tend to assist VBACs when the hospitals won’t. This is what ended up being seen as a breach of my practice, even though there were no Board of Nursing regulations specifically about VBACs. So I followed the guidelines of the licensed/lay midwives, who are regulated by the California Medical Board instead of the Board of Nursing. I thought if I followed their guidelines, I would be covered. Already though, there was a major red flag on my mind. The medical investigator who interviewed me for three hours and was going to have to make a nuanced analysis, had not known what labor was. During my interview she asked me, “What do you mean, labor?” She said she had never had an obstetrics case, and that specific medical background was not necessary for her job description. That’s when I knew the scales of justice were not going to be very well balanced. Since around 2010, nine of the 30 certified nurse midwives practicing homebirth in California are or have been under investigation. I’m in great company! (Laughs.) After my interview with the investigator, I didn’t hear from them for two years. During that time, I took a 9-month trip backpacking around India with my husband and daughters. Toward the end of our trip, I heard that I was formally charged by the Board of Nursing. A year later, I settled for my RN license to have a 3-year probation period, and that has meant closing my homebirth practice. For now. JR: That sounds devastating. DM: I’ve definitely had to grieve. This is how I’ve been supporting my family for the past 12 years. My oldest daughter is about to apply for colleges. It’s been a big transition. JR: Is there a silver lining? DM: Yes. When we came back from our yearlong trip in India and Nepal, I knew I wanted to write a book about our family adventures, and a memoir about being a midwife. In the last few months since I closed my practice, I have been able to finish my 350 page memoir. I'm currently shopping it to agents with a vision of having it published in the next few years. Now I have a midwife website and an author’s website! JR: What does this say for women in general? DM: Here in the U.S., there is still a witch hunt against midwives. We threaten the paradigm. And, homebirth is not going away. Homebirth is a consumer driven movement. It’s not like I put up billboards: “Come try a homebirth!” Women came and found me because it’s what they wanted. Interestingly, I heard through the mom community that the same doctor who spearheaded the letter to the Board about me has started attending VBACs in the hospital again in the last couple years, and has actually told one pregnant woman that they had to start attending VBACs again because of the pressure put on them by the homebirth midwives. Meaning, women were saying to them, “Well if you won’t give me a VBAC, I’ll just go and have a homebirth.” Women will ask for what they want. It’s not up to the medical profession to tell them no. Pregnant women have rights. If people want to help the situation, get involved in passing the California bill and fixing the broken laws, making it easier to practice homebirth in California. A step for midwives anywhere is a step for midwives everywhere. JR: What would you say to women in the United States who want to give birth at home? DM: Women are perfectly designed to give birth. Just like you get the baby in, you can get the baby out. Look at all the people in the world! Everyone came from a mother. It works. Definitely find a midwife. There are probably more midwives now than ever. The most important thing is to find a midwife you feel comfortable with, who you can trust, you feel heard, you feel empathy. And also does she have training and experience? How long has she been doing it? Talk with other moms in your community. Most everyone has found my practice from other mothers. Homebirth in the United States is on the rise. It has been steadily increasing for the last decade. JR: Thank you for your work, and your time. Dena’s Recommended Reading • Spiritual Midwifery by Ina May Gaskin • Birthing from Within by Pam England • Breastfeeding Made Simple by Kathleen Kendall-Tackett & Nancy Mohrbacher • The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby by Dr. Sears • You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy Resources • www.denamoes.com • www.chicomidwife.com • www.midwivespass1306.com I heard it was the best thing ever. The biggest love I’d ever feel. The most challenging thing I’d ever do. “It’s Spirituality 101,” one of my closest friends told me. All these things are true. Being a mom is at least as wonderful, challenging and spiritually enriching as anything I’ve experienced. I also heard it was hard work. Somehow, I don’t see it that way. Although it takes the highest degree of devotion I’ve ever shown, it just isn’t hard work. It’s natural. It’s primal. It’s constant. But it isn’t hard work. It’s literally the greatest honor of my life. What no one told me was that when I became a mom, I would go from having a considerable amount of time just for me, to giving away about 95% of it for my daughter. Dramatic difference. More dramatic than I could begin to articulate.I don't just mean changing a diaper. I don't just mean holding them when they cry, when you've already been breastfeeding and doing laundry all morning while trying to remember to brush your own teeth, and could really use a nap. And I don't mean "eating Bon Bons all day" which is exactly what I heard from an acquaintance who is a mother herself, referring to what it's like to stay home with a child. Clearly her family's nutritional preferences are different from ours, and she's never worked full-time for an extended period of time, caring for her child at home. Either that or she has, and they eat ice cream all day, and that's easy for her. Hey, maybe I'm missing something. Let's not compartmentalize this. Every mother I've ever spoken with who has been at home all day, most days, caring for her child, says it is much easier to go to work. To a job. These are moms who are comparing the work of caring for a child at home full-time, with the work of going to a job full-time. One mom took it further and said going to work is like a vacation. You get to be in your car by yourself, with no one interrupting you, no one needing you with all they've got. It's just you in the car. Sure there are mothers who've worked full time at home -- no, not stayed at home but worked at home caring for their child more than full-time, double-full time --who say their job outside the home is more difficult. Some who would really rather be home with their child than at a job. Yet what's magnetized to me, probably because of simple physics (like attracts like), are dozens of mothers who find the full-time work of caring for children tougher than a full time job. Really caring for a child -- at home, full time -- is the most undervalued work of our time.To fully take care of a child full time, the mother (or father, if/when he is the primary caretaker) must hold the ENORMOUS space of caring, as completely as possible, for the child's physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. When this is your work not just during typical working hours (9-5), but from the moment they wake up and during and after dinner until they do go to sleep, and additionally while they're asleep because you're primally wired to hear their every move... it's a lot. Is it easy to become imbalanced and not take enough breaks? Yes. Do all mothers deserve far more appreciation than we receive? YES. Is it up to us to make this happen -- to make the world more reverent of women, mothers, children, and life itself? Yes. I will not endeavor to describe, in this blog post, all that full-time mothering in the home has entailed in my own mothering experience. But I will say it is HUGE, bordering on indescribable, and far beyond the cultural awareness and capacity. Its almost-indescribability is one of the reasons it's undervalued. Humans have a hard time valuing what we can't understand or measure. Can mothering be taxing? I am a case in point. Without great self care: VERY. Right now as I write, I have a migraine. It’s my 4th migraine and they’ve all happened in one year. Hormones + life pressure + interrupted sleep + less than great physical self care = OUCH. Pain in the head. Pressure speaking through my body saying, “STOP, Jessica. Stop.” And then I hear the words, in the form of a book title, because that’s how it often goes for me as a writer: A Revolution in Self Care. I’m writing this piece for women who are pregnant with their first child, new moms, other moms, and myself. Because: self care. Writing is therapy for me. And, as in the spirit of community acupuncture, and in the words of my dear friend Olivia who owns Chico Community Acupuncture, I believe in “taking healing out of isolation.” If you’re pregnant or just gave birth to new life, hear this: You are a hero. You gave your body over for another life to grow in it and from it. You did or are about to do the greatest thing a human body can do: let new life emerge from your own body. It is the most natural and wild thing we can do. We were made for this. And it is heroic, all at the same time. Dear Mamas, There will never be a moment when it isn’t the truth that you are the most important thing in your world. If you’re like me, you will feel the most indescribable primal pull to do everything and anything for your baby. And to be with them almost all the time. Follow that instinct. Surrender to ask for help in order to do it. Give nothing less than your all. (And no one else knows what your “all” is; that’s for YOU to know and honor.) Babies are the greatest miracle. Life emerging through another life. We cannot comprehend this fully with our brains; we must engage our hearts and our primal, instinctual selves to fully appreciate it. Your baby is a genius. No joke. Babies are energetic geniuses and life IS energy. So do it. Give that baby your all. In all the world, there’s no greater Return on Investment (ROI). And, in the slivers of moments when you feel like you could really use some sleep and your husband, or your best friend, or your mom or your kind neighbor, is within reach -- reach for them. Let their loving arms make a place for your precious baby while you: SLEEP. Don’t rob an opportunity from someone else who’s dear to you, to cherish the divine skin and breath of your precious child. Don’t rob them, either, of a change to care for and love you. YOU know how good it feels to care for others, right? It’s universal. If you are suffering with physical, spiritual, emotional or mental challenges, it is a disservice to everyone around you, and clearly to yourself, to wait a single second before taking action to take care of yourself. You can only give as much as you’ve got. If your tank is full, you can give to others superwoman-style. If your tank needs fuel, pump it up hot mama. Feeling underappreciated? Get over yourself and this culture’s adolescent and perverse perspective around self-care -- especially for women -- and ASK FOR IT. Ask five of your dearests, friends or family, to tell you, in an email or text or in person, what they admire about you. Have them help you fill your cup. This is Village. We are meant to take care of each other, not to starve ourselves when we need something as essential as feeling valued. Get over the “this means I’m weak and insecure” baloney. It means you’re BREATHING. You are infinitely important. Your baby is best off when you remember this. And for me? Less: screen time, and none after dark. A break from Facebook for the rest of the summer, or at least a few weeks. Less life pressure. Less responding to texts instantly. More: trust that it’s all working out. More acupuncture, massage, exercise, sleep. More time away for myself, now that my daughter is 3 years and 4 months old, and past the most foundational “bubble of innocence” phase that I so fiercely protected. Yeah, rocket science. Yet somehow, taking care of ourselves sometimes seems like the hardest thing to do. One small step at a time, mamas. We do this together. Love, Jessica {Photos L-R: treated myself to 'medicure' (manicure pedicure ;) during my last migraine (see it in the eyes?)... with Chinese herbs from acupuncturist for migraine... and freshly showered, still with migraine but starting to find a way to laugh through it, on my first 2-nights-away solo trip since my daughter was born...} P.S. If this post upset you, if you felt offended or insulted or unseen or anything like that, you're not alone. One of my dear friends who's a wonderful hard working mother wrote me a message that helped illuminate how I can write about this topic, from a more loving perspective that honors all mothers. I am grateful for my courageous friends who voice themselves when what I say upsets them. It is a gift I'd not trade for anything (and most of them so far have kept me around). ;D
My mother, Carmen, isn't a midwife according to popular definition. Yet she most certainly is a midwife. As a high risk birth labor coach with the Companeras program based in San Rafael, California, she has attended 100s of births, touching deep into the hearts and lives of many women who've come to call her their children's Godmother. And the bond between her and her clients runs just as deep with the mothers whose babies die. My mother is an angel. mid·wife ˈmidˌwīf/ noun 1. a person (typically a woman) trained to assist women in childbirth.verb verb 1. assist (a woman) during childbirth. In honor of International Women's Day, I dedicate this piece to my mother. March 8th is also the birthday of famous midwife Ina May Gaskin, and forty-one years after my mother gave birth to me, her third child. In celebration, I decided to interview my mother about her work. Decades of admiration, from me and my friends who've met her and heard her stories, all led up to this conversation. It is my simple and heartful tribute to my own beautiful mother, and to women and mothers everywhere. Me: What do you do?
Carmen: I support Spanish speaking pregnant women with high risk births both during pregnancy and labor, and in the intensive period after the birth. Why do your clients need you? They need us to help them understand what’s happening with their pregnancy, since they aren’t native English speakers. Culturally they need us because of the language differences among Spanish speaking countries. Something we say in Guatemala might mean something totally different in El Salvador. Speaking a shared language bonds people together, so the women often benefit a lot from our connection with them. Our clients are not used to asking a lot of questions, so we help them communicate. They understand the process more, and eventually they feel safer because of our bond. Why do high risk births happen? A birth is termed high risk for two reasons: medical or trauma related. It’s common that there’s some sort of trauma that has not been healed. And usually when a woman is pregnant, unless her life's trauma has been dealt with, it tends to arise. For example women who have been raped at the U.S. border, they come here to work, they don’t want to deal with it or think about it, and all of a sudden they don’t have a menstrual period and Boom. There’s also domestic violence, childbirth sexual abuse or drug addiction. Being a pregnant teenager entails a high risk birth too, because you don’t always have the support of your family, or you may have been raped so you’re dealing with trauma. Being a teen mother puts babies at risk because teens aren’t necessarily prepared to be mothers. The stress level and other challenges in parenting can be too much for the new mother. How many stillborns have you attended? There have been six stillborns. Three of the babies were anencephalic, and one of them was Wolf Syndrome. The other two died as they were born due to abnormalities including chromosomal problems. One baby lived two minutes and the other baby lived 17 hours. What is the best part of your work? Helping women. Helping women to be more informed about breastfeeding, postpartum depression, what labor is like... that they have choices. They have choices during labor and it’s important to be informed before you go into labor. What is the most challenging part of your work? Family members of the pregnant women. Family members have their own ideas about birth, and they’re not always well informed in a way that’s helpful to the woman. They tend to give misinformation. Clients need to have all the information and then they need to make a well informed decision for themself and their baby. One of the hardest things is to have a teenager who’s pregnant and her annoyed mother in the same room. Her mother fills that room with fear because she’s totally annoyed at her child who is pregnant. What is the most important thing you say to mothers whose babies don’t survive? I say very little. In situations like that. The phrase that I use is “Silence is golden.” I wait for them to ask. If they ask for specifics, I tell them the truth. Honesty. On any medical question they ask me I refer it back to the doctor. Often mothers tend to blame themselves. Simple words can be helpful. I say, “What did the doctor tell you? This has nothing to do with eating or drinking…” You can help the mother to try not to blame herself. “If it’s a chromosomal problem, it’s not what you ate.” The most important thing is to be present. To know they can pick up the phone and ask me a question, and if I can’t answer it, I will make calls to find the answer. And to support these mothers who lose babies after the baby is born, because that’s... a big job. What would you say to women who have healthy live births? A child is a gift. I’ve even had a couple clients who have been raped and choose to have their babies. Who’s anyone to say you should have an abortion just because you’ve been raped? It’s an innocent child. Everyone makes their decisions and they have to live with their decisions. It’s very important to respect your client, because it’s easy to be shocked with things that people say. To not be reactive, if they tell you that they have been raped, to treat what they say as confidential. A child is a gift. Bless every drop of your beautiful Puerto Rican blood, my dear mother. I am completely honored to be your daughter. If women fully own our power one day, we won't recognize the world we live in the next day. And so, to offer my gifts to more women around the world, I have decided to venture into delivering my services online! Took me awhile, heh heh. What happens when women own our power? Quite frankly, the power within us is unstoppable. When we own our power we: - move more freely and uncensored, in our day to day lives - amp up the potency of our intimate partnerships - more easily let go of relationships that don't bring out the best in us - draw in new friendships that are deeply energizing - have a potent, magnetic impact in business and social endeavors - feel deeper bliss in our hips and bones - adapt to change more easily - become stronger and more gracious role models for our children - invite masculine power to become more balanced and mature - create a world with less war and more love (hands down, no doubt, 100%) Only when we ourselves honor and own our power -- which can be distilled all the way down to Love itself -- will the world “outside” of us mirror back its reverence for woman. As women... We have the power to bring new life into being. Stop for a moment, right there. We have the power to choose who our partners are, which jobs we want and which jobs we don’t. We have the power to embody grace in the face of chaos, the power to support our families in highly skillful ways that society doesn’t recognize and honor, the power to be present to complex systems dynamics as we lead projects with enormous compassion and inclusivity, a high level of attention to detail, and even mastery. We have the power to wear make-up, high heels, men's shoes or women's shoes, pants or dresses, or whatever we feel like wearing. We have the power to feed babies from our own bodies (this one is a superpower). Whether or not we can have babies, whether or not we can debate about political or historical subjects with a table of men, whether or not we can mesmerize an audience with our voice or guitar, whether or not we can impress people with our frisbee skills, ALL women are ALL powerful when we choose to own it, stand in it, honor it. It is a CHOICE. There is no end point in owning our power. No finish line. Every day we choose 1,000 times whether we honor the power within us, or give it away out of a sense of lack of self worth or other fear. Practice, practice, practice. Every moment, every single day. The answers and the power are within. -- P.S. Thanks to our collaborators, partners and friends for being part this very exciting moment of Leaning into Light as we venture online with our workshops! Loving more widely is a big part of our big vision! To My Dear and Precious Daughter, I am writing this letter for you to read in 10 or 20 years. You are napping, now two and a half years old, still so perfectly brave and unfiltered, still so willing to "own" your power. Actually, you're unwilling not to. You know that Love is who you are; you were born knowing this. What do I mean by "own" our power? To know it; to acknowledge it; to fiercely stand in it; to honor it. To refuse not to embrace the exquisite expression of life that you are. When you're five years old, or 11, or 26 or 40, will you want to own your power? Certainly you will. For right now, you might be wondering why the hell I'm even asking this. I ask because women do not fully own our power. If we did, overnight, the world we see tomorrow would barely be recognizable. We instead give our power away--> to men, for a night or for an instant or for a lifetime, for their approval... to jobs we don't love, for years or for moments or for months, for the sense of safety we feel they give... to cultural expectations and images of what we ought to look like, to fill the holes of self-judgment we inhale starting in childhood.... We give our power away to other people's judgments, by letting them sink into our own eyes... We give our power away when any thought we think, feeling we feel, or action we take does not acknowledge that Love is who we are. We aren't bad or wrong for doing it; we're always just as lovable. Yet gosh, sweet child of mine, wouldn't it be marvelous if women stopped giving our power away so much? I'From the day you were conceived, my life and voice became bolder than ever. Your existence has raised the bar for mine more than anything else ever will. Giving birth to you gave me many things, one of them being a swift, solid smack in the face to stop EVERY single thing I was doing to not love myself. This I must do, for you. No, not for you. But because of the Love you have helped expand inside my being. Can I put this all into words? No, sweet One. But still I'll always try. There are no easy answers. Owning our power as women requires that we be our boldest, bravest, most rigorously honest selves. No one has the answers for anybody else. The point is to create space for the answers we all have for ourselves, to rise to the surface. We can be curious. We can ask questions. And questions are powerful, very powerful. When women ask powerful questions, and make space within ourselves to answer them from a place of empowerment, fierce honesty, and deep self-love... Oh my, Dear Daughter, Oh my. Your mama squints at the thought of it. It isn't about power over anything (men, other women, or anything else). It is about power for the sake of life. Forever yours, dear daughter, Mama P.S. In your honor, I am inviting a group of women to join me for a 3-part series, three one-hour conversations, about what life will be like when women own our power. Because it isn't a question of if; it's a question of when. Supported by other women and by the power that lies within us -- which is Love itself -- nothing will stop us. How dare I claim this, dear daughter? Because as you well know, and so breathtakingly exhibit with every move you make and every deliciously delightful word you say and tear you cry... Love is unstoppable. |
AuthorJessica Rios, Founder of Leaning into Light, was born with a divine pen in her pelvis. Her heart writes for her; Love is her 'religion'. A lifelong letter writer and a thought leader in Love, her blog is devoted to her greatest passion: illuminating the beauty of the human spirit so we all move closer to remembering that Love is Who We Are. Categories
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